“Everyone’s got a plan until they’re kicked in the face” – Chris Kemp’s Helvellyn Triathlon Experience

If you’ve ever wondered what goes through someone’s head while swimming the wrong way, cycling into a storm, and cramping their way up a mountain, all for fun? – then you’re in for a treat. Hyde Park Harriers Triathlon Club’s very own Chris Kemp took on the legendary Helvellyn Triathlon. What follows is his account of how the race went. Don’t worry, you don’t need to be this unhinged to get involved in triathlon… but it does make for a better story!

“Everyone’s got a plan until they’re kicked in the face” 

Triathletes mid-swim probably. 

It starts hailing on the tops and I’m thinking, I hope this doesn’t make my cramp any worse, I’ve got to try descend now… 

But let’s start at the beginning, best place to. 

Forecast is marginal, cloudy and windy with the rain settling in later. Pre-race brief seems to be centred around how poor the conditions are for biking and how they might shorten the run route if it’s deemed too dangerous. Confidence inspiring stuff. 

I try to hide from my nerves in a pre-race chat with the wetsuit clad near me. “Are you planning to take a waterproof on the ride?” “Did she say clockwise swim or anti clockwise?”. 

Swim feels bad, I promised myself I’d try draft to save energy but I’ve lost everyone. Have a moment where I think I’m king at the front of the pack but I realise I’ve swum halfway to the wrong buoy and have to make a sharp turn, the wind blows me under the next buoy, this isn’t going well. 

Get out the swim and amazed at the time on my watch, assume it’s a mistake. 

Make the decision to take the waterproof on the ride as it’s currently raining and the forecast was for it to settle in. Decide to put the swim behind me and get on with the cycle, promising myself I’ll get tucked into my newly installed tri bars to save as much as possible. I end up spending no time whatsoever in the bars, too windy. Game plan going badly. 

Bike ride is pretty stunning, sitting in a chain of people coming up the struggle with a real sense of commaraderie with people around me. 

Descend tentatively, the race directors warnings of “this isn’t a day for descent PBs” running around my brain. 

Drop off the bike and hit the run. Run round the field in strong form telling myself “this is the bit you’re good at, you’ve spent loads of time running in the fells this summer, this is going to be the good bit”, how wrong I was. 

Start heading up the fell with a new feeling blossoming in my quads, “what is that feeling”. Cramp, that feeling is cramp.  Completely locking up my quads.

I decide to manage the situation, get liquids down me, getting extra from the becks and getting my nutrition down me on a tight schedule and taking it easy on the ascent in the hope I’ll make it round.

Realise I’ve not really lost any places to those around me during me managing the cramp which gives me confidence. 

Seeing the curve of swirral edge rise up I have an honest feeling of doubt hit me. “Will I actually manage to get round this??”

I hit the tops as it starts hailing, knowing cold muscles are worse it does cause me worry, if I properly cramp up I’m done. I manage to tuck in behind two other lads hiding from the hail, finally some successful drafting. 

Start getting stuck into the descent and see a clutter of people around a downed runner. We stop to offer support but the marshal is happy they’ve got it under control so we crack on. 

The final few KMs hurt. 

Cramped up immediately after crossing the line. 

What a race, well run and organised, cool route in a great place. 

It’s quite rare I have moments of “will I actually get round this??” and this race properly pushed me. I had to react to things going wrong but I could feel the experience and preparation behind me allowing me to respond to things which I found hugely comforting and rewarding and I learnt things. 

Best of all, I beat BOTH the Brownlee brothers (check the results) (don’t listen to the haters telling you they weren’t trying).

Feeling inspired? Or mildly horrified? Either way, you’re exactly the kind of person we’d love to see at Hyde Park Harriers Triathlon training. You don’t need to swim into the wrong buoy or battle hail on a mountaintop to join us, most sessions involve much friendlier weather, significantly less cramp, and a lot more laughing. Whether you’re a seasoned racer or just tri-curious, come along and give it a go. Who knows… you might even beat a Brownlee too!